I am a terrible decision maker. Not in the outcomes, necessarily, but in the process. I labor and labor over the smallest choices assigning to them an inflated importance. So afraid to make a mistake, I find myself frozen in the moment, incapable of moving to the right or to the left, like a frightened deer in the head lights. Sometimes relief only comes in taking, what I might call, a flying leap of faith, hoping for the best. And usually, all things work out pretty well.
This state of mind happens in the smallest choices, like choosing a new lighting fixture, or the color of paint for the bathroom. But it also happens in big commitment decisions which require down payments, wire transfers and links to my bank account. Of course I seek God on the big ones (I feel silly asking his opinion on shades of blue for the bathroom…) But, I do not always get a clear answer. Why does it seem that God does not clearly, or overtly, direct us in our life decisions?
I read God’s word and ask his opinion. “Lord,” I say to him, “how does this verse apply to my situation? Let your Spirit lean on me a little more forcefully so I can know your will, your best plan for my life.” When the answer seems imprecise, I wonder if God is asking me to look at something bigger than the immediate choice. I wonder if He says to me, “Elizabeth, you are asking the wrong question, and making the wrong assumptions.”
I realize most of my prayers oriented around direction and choices are based out of fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of the unknown. Fear of a future outcome that might in fact be difficult or challenging. All my fears make the assumption that I am, in fact, in complete control, that God might punish me or at least chastise me for a mistake, or that God will not be with me in the new circumstance. All these assumptions fall outside a rational understanding of who God says He is in the Bible, and who we are in relation to him – his beloved children. We know that God works all things for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. And that nothing can separate us from the love of God – not our best intentions, our confused projections of the future, our honest and reasonable attempts to make a “good” decision. Despite ourselves, we cannot fall outside of the saving love of God. (Romans 8:35-39)
So, I was praying the other day about one of these big decisions. And I asked the question, will this decision bring me peace? And instantly, like a spiritual auto-correct, I felt the Spirit say, “Elizabeth, God brings you peace, not this or any other circumstance.” When I gave that a little more thought and prayer, I began to understand what God was saying to me, in my heart. “Don’t assign peace to anything outside of my Presence in you.” Jesus said (says) “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27) Later he said “Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20). It really doesn’t matter what my circumstances are. If I am at peace with the Lord, all is well – deeply, exceedingly, satisfyingly well. If I do not have his peace, then no outward, physical, material outcome will make it right. Let us get that straight in our minds.
So, I hear the words of Isaiah 30:15, “In returning (repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”. As I return to God as my source of peace and safety and provision, I begin to rest, and I feel saved from the strife that has overtaken my heart and mind. I do repent for the ways I have misunderstood his will or acted outside of it. He stills my spirit from angst about the future and frustration that I have so little control over it. In this quietness I remember Who is the only One I can trust with my future well-being. This is indeed a strength. And I am at peace. Come what may – whether I turn to the right or to the left, I know that God is with me, longing to be gracious to me. (Isaiah 30:19-21)
This is my process of decision-making. It is not clean, or easy, or especially admirable. It is messy and wobbly and imprecise. So characteristically me. But let us see what is also true and pure about it. God goes with me (and you), despite whatever mistakes we make along the way. Let us not trouble our hearts about the little things – for everything is small compared to the surpassing greatness of God’s love for us and his overlying gracious plan for our lives. Today, the only important decision we have to make is to intentionally draw near to God, focus on his immediate presence in our lives and give thanks for his goodness and blessing. The rest will flow in line with that. In reality, our decisions are likely to be well-directed, because we are attuned to his Spirit. Now we are ready walk with trust and strength into the new day. Whatever it may hold, wherever it may take us, let us go in peace.